So you’re a movie hater. I know, I know — that’s a tough diagnosis to hear. A big pill to swallow, so to speak, but look, I want to be clear: people diagnosed with this condition often go on to live long, fulfilling and perfectly normal lives. We’re gonna get you taken care of.
“Oh no!” you’re thinking. “I just asked Lisa from class on a date, and she’s a huge movie nerd!”
Ok, don’t panic—I said we’d get this taken care of. First things first, probably don’t call Leslie a nerd. Most people don’t like that. Second thing, there’s a pretty simple cure for this: we just need Lola to think that you’re a movie nerd too!
“Easier said than done!” you’re thinking with a forlorn look on your face. “Every time I go to the theatre, everyone just gets mad at me.”
Well don’t panic, there’s probably a reason — we just need to figure out what it is. Some of the most common annoying behaviors people exhibit while watching movies include: talking and asking questions, playing on their phone, laughing at things that aren’t funny and getting up for a potty break at inopportune times.
Do any of those sound like you? What’s that? All of them sound like you? Oh, goodness.
But that’s ok, not to worry, don’t cancel on Lauren yet! We don’t have time to fix your bothersome behavior, but there is one thing we could try. You just need to watch the right movies! Lucky for you, I’ve got a couple lined up.
Movies aren’t always easy to understand. Watch “The Lobster” or “Clouds of Sils Maria” and come back to me with a cohesive analysis. I dare you. It won’t work. So, for your purposes, what we really need is a good movie that makes no sense. How about “Mad Max: Fury Road?”
You’re thinking, “But if I don’t understand the movie, won’t I want to ask more questions?” No need! No one else understands this movie either.
Here’s a quick summary, though: Big crusty bad guy controls all the water, slightly less crusty good guys want the water. Good guys steal bad guy’s wives as a strange ransom for water. Bad guy wants wives back, que car chase through the desert featuring massive abominable trucks.
Do the good guys get the water from the bad guy? Who cares! That’s not the point. Enjoy the car chases, enjoy the explosions and enjoy Tom Hardy silently acting his way to perfection. Don’t ask any questions. Don’t make any dumb comments. Here’s the only line you need to repeat: “Wow, this movie is beautiful!” Say that to Lilly a solid five or six times and you’re golden.
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So the second date is secured, but you’ve got a problem. You already watched one whole movie, and you don’t like movies. How are you supposed to sit through another whole film without getting bored and playing on your phone?
Well, let’s cheat just a little bit. We don’t need a movie so interesting that you won’t want to pull out your phone. We need a movie that’s so interesting and has so many bright colors that Lydia won’t even notice that you’ve been playing Candy Crush for 30 minutes.
Maybe you watch “Tron Legacy” and you can say, “Oh my gosh, what great original music this film has!” Or you could go see “Blade Runner” and say, “Oh, what beautiful neon colors this film features!”
Here’s an idea: lets tap into the James Bond franchise. Show Lucille “Skyfall,” and you can show off your music take and your neon colors take.
You’ve got some great original music thanks to our good friend Adele, and director of photography Rodger Deakins really has your back on this one. (This film honestly features some of his most impressive work, and that’s saying a lot.)
Lainey could also be focused on the story, which is arguably one of the strongest in the Bond franchise, or the masterful performance by Javier Bardem as the movie’s villain. She could be! But that’s neither here nor there by the time you make it to the credits and level 100 of Candy Crush.
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Now, about those annoying movie watching habits.
Laughing at the wrong times might be a little harder because we don’t have time to give you full comedic training. Here’s what we’re gonna do: we’re gonna pick a movie that is equal amounts comedic and ridiculous, so much so that it doesn’t matter who, what, when, where or why you laugh.
We could choose “Tommy Boy” for its slap stick genius. We could choose “Happy Gillmore,” arguably Adam Sandler at his angry-stupid best. Maybe we pick a film from Edgar Wright’s Cornetto Trilogy. (I mean, “Hot Fuzz” takes situational comedy to the next level.)
Those are all phenomenal, but for you, there’s one film which should stand above the rest: “Walk Hard: The Dewy Cox Story.”
Ok, hear me out. This movie is stupid. I know this, but come on, it’s exactly what you’re looking for. It’s situationally profound, it uses slapstick comedy with extreme precision and it is completely absurd the entire way through.
Maybe Louise has seen “Walk the Line” and she can appreciate how the film satirizes Johnny Cash’s life. Maybe she reads into the film’s critique of how seriously the entertainment industry takes itself.
Maybe, maybe and maybe, but what’s important to you is this: laugh whenever you want! This movie is seriously funny from top to bottom. There’s not a moment where a laugh is out of place. We can test that theory if you like, but I think you should save it for Livia.
So there you go — three movies for the movie hater. Future dates secured! Hopefully only three of them involve movies. What’s that?
Oh right! The inopportune bathroom breaks. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really have a film to fix this one. All things considered, I’d suggest you take it easy on the soda, so you don’t have to interrupt your streak in Candy Crush.
And by the way, if it’s important that you draw a greater conclusion from this interaction, then here it is: it’s super ok to not like movies! Maybe you like horseback riding, but Libby doesn’t like the idea of sitting on top of a creature that breathes and has a mind of its own.
The things we enjoy can go in a lot of different directions, and our minds don’t always work in the same ways. Here’s your big conclusion. You asked out Lillianna, right? But you don’t like movies right? Ok, lean in really close:
Maybe you aren’t the best match for that movie nerd anyways.
But it doesn’t matter what you do with somebody you care about. It doesn’t matter how much you enjoy the thing you’re doing. What matters is how much you enjoy the person you’re doing it with. If Lexie really gets your heart pumping, then the rest will fall into place.
The perfect cure for the movie hater? Realizing there’s nothing wrong with you in the first place.