After watching Logan, some of our writers (Clark Hubbard, Ted Kluck and Caleb Lay) thought “what would happen if we replaced characters in different movies with Wolverine?” The following 2400 words is the answer to that question.
Land Before Time– “Sharptooth” aka “Sharpfinger”
Littlefoot (our tiny, adorable, dinosaur protagonist) is playing with Cera, the three-horn, when out of nowhere this old, greasy guy in a stained tank top shows up muttering something about “Beast’s relatives” and unsheaths his blade fingers. Littlefoot’s mom comes in to save the day, but gets hacked up by Sharpfinger.
The rest of the movie is just a bunch of baby dinosaurs working together to run away from Sharpfinger, and the movie ends with the baby dinosaurs pushing a rock onto him, only forestalling their inevitable death in one of the many many sequels.
The Big Short– “Michael Burry”
When Michael Burry learns about an inevitable collapse in the housing market, he decides to take things into his own hands, “John Wick” style. Instead of shorting the market, he decides to take revenge on each and every person responsible for the bubble. Every scene starts out the same as the original film, but escalates in a Tarantino manner, and by the end of the film, the majority of suits who work on Wall Street have been killed, which causes an even larger financial crisis.
Jaws– the shark
The exact same plot, but instead of a shark, Wolverine is swimming around in a speedo, killing tourists with his finger blades.
Alien– Jones the Cat
Wolverine is just crawling on all fours, covered in a thin layer of mid-life-crisis-body-hair. The crew of the Nostromo pet him, and he keeps on disappearing. The main difference is that Wolverine would just kill the alien as soon as he saw it, instead of luring various crew members to their respective deaths. The final scene is a slow zoom on Hugh Jackman, slurping milk from a bowl, with something in his stomach moving around…
Jurassic Park– literally every dinosaur
Same general plot line, but the dinosaurs can’t be killed, and can talk to the scientists and kids. The sequels consist of Wolverine running around New York City, Wolverine running around another island, and a fourth movie where scientists are trying to make Wolverine more powerful for no discernible reason.
Ted’s Note: So here’s the thing…I know that die-hard Wolverine people and even casually-interested Wolverine devotees are going to take umbrage with how I play fast-and-loose with the makeup and retractability of Wolverine’s claws. I did so for the following reason: It just seemed funny to write “blade fingers” a bunch of times. Also, with his claws hidden, Wolverine is just kind of a sweaty, hairy middle-aged man in a tank top which, while it would change the stories some, wouldn’t change them as much as the blade fingers being a factor.
Home Alone – Kevin McCallister
He wouldn’t be afraid of anything that happened while he was home alone. He would have easily and quickly dispatched the Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern characters without having to use any of the following: rope, bricks, marbles, hot oil or a soundbyte from a movie. And because Wolverine is a grown man it would have been up to him as to whether or not to enjoy the down time or grab a later flight and join his family. Is there still a movie here?
Pride and Prejudice – Mr. Collins
Mr. Collins is a pompous, foolish clergyman who initially sets his cap for the strong, independent Elizabeth Bennet. Not surprisingly, she turns him down. Wolverine Collins, in a spurned rage, kills the following, all of whom at one time or another either take an actual interest-in or appear to take an interest-in Elizabeth Bennet:
– Mr. Bingley
– Mr. Wickham
– Mr. Darcy
Wolverine Collins doesn’t realize that killing off a woman’s potential suitors isn’t all that attractive and, what’s more, disqualifies him from ministry. It is a grave miscalculation. Not even Charlotte Lucas wants him anymore. He is now single and jobless and decides to do what many single/jobless people do which is going to graduate school, where he will kill four more people. What’s weird is that the Bennet girls all go to grad school too and occasionally run into Collins at conferences, where the vibe is always really awkward.
You’ve Got Mail – Joe Fox
Joe Fox was the charismatic leader of Fox Books and Meg Ryan’s central love interest in what is probably the best romantic comedy of all time. Here are several key scenes which change considerably if Fox is replaced by Wolverine:
– The climactic moment in the end, where Fox and Kelly meet at Riverside Park. Fox/Wolverine would say, “Don’t cry, Shopgirl,” while wiping away Kathleen Kelly’s tears, but the blade fingers would make a huge and unsightly gash on Meg Ryan’s otherwise flawless face.
Titanic – Jack Dawson
Jack Dawson was the blue-collar artist hunk who stole the heart of the aristocratic Rose Dewitt Bukater aboard the R.M.S Titanic. Needless to say, it’s a much different movie with Wolverine in the lead role. To wit:
– The blade fingers would make it really hard for Jack to draw his charming pictures – which (pictures) go a long way in the wooing of Rose. Needless to say, this would render the steamy Jack-drawing-Rose scene impossible, as Jack/Wolverine would become frustrated after continually dropping or breaking pencils in his blade fingers.
– Re: Blade fingers. They would make good poker playing almost impossible, meaning that Jack would probably have never won the berth on the R.M.S Titanic in a poker game, meaning he is never on the ship, meaning he never falls for Rose.
– Re: Jack/Wolverine-falling-for-Rose. Wolverine, at this point, is clearly in upper-middle-age, while Rose is supposedly 17. This just feels creepy.
– The entire dancing-below-deck scenario would be impossible as Jack/Wolverine would actually cut Rose to pieces.
– Re: Steamy. The scene where Jack’s hand leaves an impression in a steamy car window would change considerably, as the hand, rather than leaving an impression, would probably break clear through the window, what with the blade fingers.
500 Days of Summer – Tom
Summer is actually super accepting of different people so she doesn’t notice Wolverine’s blades, shirtlessness or age. Which is another way of saying that maybe Summer is just super obsessed with herself.
Dirty Dancing – Johnny Castle
This one is nuanced. Ways in which Wolverine is similar to Johnny Castle:
– He’s considerably older than his love interest.
– He goes around with his shirts unbuttoned (or completely off) all the time.
– He has a mullet.
– He’s pretty ripped.
Ways in which Wolverine is different, which would make the entire story a no-go:
– Wolverine has blade fingers, and would kill Baby Houseman (the unforgettable Jennifer Grey) the very first time they danced dirtily.
Shakespeare in Love – Shakespeare
Five words: Lots of broken quill pens. Number of epic, world-changing plays written: 0. Number of times successfully seducing Gwyneth Paltrow’s character, who loves writers: 0.
Hoosiers – Jimmy Chitwood
It would be hard to “sell” Hickory shooting guard Jimmy Chitwood as young-and-vulnerable if he was actually middle-aged, jacked, and had blades for fingers. This would also make it tough for Jimmy Chitwood to come off screens, catch and shoot, which is Jimmy’s whole thing, basketball-wise. I don’t really trust Rafe to pick up the scoring load, and Hickory probably doesn’t make it out of Regionals as a result. However, they would probably do a lot better in their on-court fights, meaning that everyone else would die.
Also: The Indiana High School Athletic Association isn’t buying a 45 year old high school senior.
Also, I don’t see small, provincial Hickory, Indiana, really accepting a guy like this, meaning that Wolverine Chitwood probably transfers to Oolitic High, which is in general a more accepting place.
Edward Scissorhands – Edward Scissorhands
No significant change.
National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets – Mitch Wilkinson (The bad guy)
Mitch Wilkinson was a guy that just wanted his family to be famous for discovering the lost city of gold under Mount Rushmore — a pretty basic dream.
One thing about this character that’s always been strange to me is Wilkinson is super strong and somehow the movie never explicitly mentions it. How do I know that? Wilkinson is outnumbered five to one at Mount Rushmore by Benjamin Gates (Nic Cage) and friends, but still maintains the power in the relationship. Sure, his henchmen are waiting for Gates and friends if they come back without Mitch, but they can’t be that loyal. Do you expect me to believe Mitch gets to boss Gates’ crew around just because they want to explore the underbelly of Mount Rushmore and find a lost city of gold? No way. That guy has to be at least six times stronger than the average man or Gates is just the softest action hero of all time.
Anyway, Wolverine as Mitch would be drastically different mostly because Wolverine’s healing factor and strength makes him virtually invincible. So at the end of the movie when our five heroes and Wolverine/Mitch get trapped and the only way out is for one person to sacrifice themself for everyone else, Wolverine/Mitch would be able to hold the door open and outlast the water. Eventually the water would either die down, or Mitch/Wolverine would claw his way out of the trap so he could take the full credit for discovering the city of gold and not let Nic Cage win again.
Also, Wolverine’s bones being made of metal would make the booby trap where four people had to balance themselves and escape the platform balancing on a really small post really difficult. Wolverine may look chiseled and buff, but those metal bones make him weigh like 300 pounds instead of 200. He’d throw the whole balancing thing off and everyone would fall and die except him because he can’t really die, so he still finds the city of gold and becomes famous.
The Wicker Man– Nic Cage
Nic Cage plays a police officer asked to find a girl on a strange island where honey and bees are kind of worshipped in a matriarchal society. Cage gets sacrificed inside a wicker man at the end of the movie to bring the bees and honey back. The movie is so bad it’s funny.
If Wolverine was Cage this movie is way different:
– Wolverine has heightened abilities and can track people down using his sense of smell, so instead of talking to the people on the island looking for the girl he would sniff the air a whole bunch until he found her. Once he found her, he would easily cut through the weird bee worshipers and escape the island.
– When they put Wolverine/Cage in the Wicker Man for the infamous “NOOOOO! Not The beeeeees! Ahhhh! The bees are in my eyes!” scene. Wolverine wouldn’t be affected by the bees because he’d heal as soon as they stung him, and he’d bide his time until the wicker man was burning real good then shoot his claws out and use the burning wicker man as a suit of armor against the evil bee people. Nobody but Wolverine makes it out alive, so the movie is still dark but more satisfying as the bad guys receive their comeuppance.
Stolen– Nic Cage
I have not and will not watch this movie, but I’ve read the following synopsis: A former thief (Nicolas Cage) has just 12 hours to come up with $10 million after his former partner kidnaps his daughter and locks her in a cab.
I have so many questions, like: isn’t this just a worse and less fun version of Taken? How does the daughter not get out of a locked cab? Why did Nic Cage make this downer of a movie after coming off the two National Treasure movies? Why did Nic Cage lose his mind?
Sidebar: A lot of movies about kidnappings have one-word titles. Movies like Taken, Prisoners, Ransom, Hostage, Stolen, Saw, Fargo, Misery, Kidnapped, Vanishing and many more. Naturally, one of my friends, Andrew Parks, and I broke down more one-word-title movies that are secretly about kidnapping or a hostage-like scenario. The following bit is a list of some of those movies and an explanation of how they’re about kidnappings:
- Jumanji— Held hostage by a board game.
- Frozen— Held hostage by her unmitigated potential.
- Zathura— Jumanji in space, but it’s also screenwriters held hostage by a lack of creativity. It’s a kidnapping within a kidnapping—it’s kidnapception.
- Aladdin— Genie held hostage by lamp.
- Cars— Owen Wilson held hostage by a small town, backwoods tow truck.
- Interstellar— Held hostage by a bookcase.
- Inception— Christopher Nolan held hostage by his own insanity.
- Memento— Same as Inception.
- Pocahontas— Governor Ratcliffe held hostage by the colors of the wind.
- Taken 2 and 3— Liam Neeson held hostage by typecasting.
Anyway, we replace Cage with Wolverine and we get a much more entertaining, albeit shorter, movie. In this version Cage/Wolverine brings a sack of “money” for the ransom, but it’s really just a pillow. When his former partner and cronies (goons? henchmen? Is there a difference?) come out to confront him he unsheathes his claws, takes a million bullets to the chest and annihilates everyone like Liam Neeson in Taken, fueled by dad rage, mixed with… Wolverine– creating an unstoppable killing machine. This movie is now much better and 20 minutes long.
The Dark Knight– Bruce Wayne/Batman
With Wolverine protecting Gotham City as Batman the crime rate drops to almost zero after a year on the job. How is Wolverine a more effective Batman you ask?
Bruce Wayne has one rule—he doesn’t kill. Wolverine does not have that rule so there wouldn’t be any criminals left to terrorize Gotham. The downside to this alternate tale is that Wolverine is typically reckless in how he dispatches bad guys so when he gets a tank-like vehicle like the Batmobile there may be no more villains but Gotham’s infrastructure starts to crumble too due to all the destruction. The setting basically becomes like The Dark Knight Rises when Bane took over; forcing people to become constantly afraid of becoming Batman/Wolverine’s next victim and are trapped in the city by fear. Batman/Wolverine eventually leaves town to “save” the next city.